


The Hardest Part Is Knowing When To Let Go

by lostinthesounds



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Bellarke, F/M, post 5x08
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-27
Updated: 2018-06-27
Packaged: 2019-05-29 09:39:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,288
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15070382
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lostinthesounds/pseuds/lostinthesounds
Summary: “That was before she threatened your life and I got thrown back in time to six years ago when my heart was ripped from my chest” Bellamy rants, voice sharp like he wants it to be.- or post 5x08 confession where bellamy tells clarke about his decision to sedate octavia to save her, and angst.





	The Hardest Part Is Knowing When To Let Go

**Author's Note:**

> CAN WE TALK ABOUT LAST NIGHTS EPISODE!!?! Octavia finally saying that Bellamy loves Clarke is actually priceless. I hope you guys enjoy this as I’m actaully running on five hours of sleep and adrenaline! loved writing this xox

Bellamy’s heart was torn in every way imaginable, a part of him wishing it was all in his head. Octavia is down, she’s been dragged in his arms unconscious into Indra’s room by the time he’s aware of his actions. 

He feels the warm tears stained on his cheeks, but somehow it feels good. He isn’t happy about what he did to save Clarke, but it’s what needed to be done. 

All of him, for Octavia. What a way to switch the mantra on it’s heels and cause his sister pain. 

He wishes that he didn’t do it, but Clarke was too important in that moment. He couldn’t lose her again, the pain cascading back in waves of memory. At least he knows that Octavia isn’t dead by his own hand, but the regret still eats him up inside for leaving Clarke behind as his only choice. And he thought she had died, and he could’ve died with her. 

“Bellamy?” A voice asks in a quick matter, frantic. He snaps out of his daze to only realize he landed right in front of Clarke’s cell with tears in his eyes all over again. It’s her, it’s Clarke calling to him. 

She grabs his arm and pulls him inside the dim room, cautious as to who stood outside because this is dangerous. She couldn’t let Bellamy be seen, and Clarke is too confused as to why he showed up. 

“I-I did it.” Bellamy says, a ghost flashing in his eyes as he’s trying to comprehend everything. Saving someone he loves means hurting someone equally as important, and suddenly that thought is too much for him to handle. 

He walks past Clarke, his voice hoarse from stopping the dam of tears in his throat and his hands were trembling as a result. 

“Why are you here? If Octavia finds out-“ 

She’s frantic again, her eyebrows creasing as her wild eyes try to usher Bellamy out of the room. She can’t be the one behind his punishment, it’ll ruin her. 

Bellamy stops her, hands clasped together as he takes a deep breath to explain.  “She won’t find out, I followed Monty’s plan. I used the algae to sedate her Clarke....she’s not a problem”

Something in her changes, Clarke’s mouth agapes in shock as she meets his eyes. He’s emotional and she understands that he actually did it. 

“You told me you wouldn’t do it Bellamy, what happened? Did she threaten you? Echo?” She questions, moving closer to him like a lost instinct in her body. 

Of course, she’d threaten someone he loves so much. It all made sense.

”It was the right thing to do” He’s stone cold and she’s the one cracking into his heart. His gaze was set on the wall, trying to avoid her when everything he just did was for her. 

However, he feels her hand on his right shoulder to comfort him, so he takes advanatage and closes his burning eyes.

“I’m sure there was an explanation as to why you sedated your sister for Echo?” 

Clarke’s lips are flatlined because she’s convinced it isn’t about her when it is, but she’s trying her best to keep it together knowing that he doesn’t love her like that, and it hurts. 

Bellamy turns his head, eyes still closed and he bites his lower lip so hard that he’s sure it’s bleeding. He’s so close to admitting everything, so close to breaking. Everything is happening so fast, she wants to rid him just as much. 

He’s still silent, so Clarke gets concerned like she always does when it comes to the Blake siblings. 

She knows it’s a bad time, but she has to save Madi. She’s still somewhere in the bunker without her, and it scares her. “Is it safe to leave? I have to get to Madi and we have to get out of here quickly”

Clarke squeezes his shoulder with the hand rested there, grabbing her jacket as she moves a few steps back when waiting for his answer. 

“You, Clarke....I did this for you” Bellamy says softly, head hung low as his hands set on the wall in despair. 

It’s quiet now, but only for a few seconds. 

“What?” Clarke simply asks, her feet stuck and her head tilts. 

“I put my sister into a coma for you, to save you. I did it so that I don’t lose you again, I _cannot_ lose you again” He slowly turns around to face her, and suddenly the air around them feels thick. He’s so sure of himself, that Clarke digs her fingernails into the palm of her hands. 

“I thought you hated that plan, that I couldn’t touch Octavia because you wouldn’t let me?” Her mind is spinning around in circles, it’s getting hard to breathe. 

“That was before she threatened your life and I got thrown back in time to six years ago and had my heart ripped from my chest..” Bellamy rants, but his voice is sharp like he wants it to be. 

Clarke nods, knowing the exact feelings because it’s hitting her just as much. She felt Miller tie her hands, and her attention never leaving Bellamy’s and it really did feel like a blast from their horrible past. She didn’t wanna lose him either, that’s why she made him lie. 

“Even then, you didn’t want me to hurt her Bellamy, what makes me being in trouble any different?” Clarke asks him. 

“I couldn’t see my sister get killed, especially from you. At _least_ , I could handle what I did when knowing I was the one that caused it” Bellamy argues, swallowing the lump in his throat. 

“Do you want me to come back? You need time alone and I’ll bring everyone back here-“ 

Bellamy shakes his head with her entire statement, shocked with the own words that come from his mouth. 

“I need somebody right now, but I don’t need or want them. I need you to stay here with me for a few minutes, Clarke....please.” Bellamy pleads, and she’s taken back by this. 

He continues. 

“I need you to be here with me, I’m not gonna let myself break down for the millionth time over my sister. I did this for you, because I care. Don’t leave me just yet, not again” Bellamy spoke with such a pure ness, it’s almost like he’s eight years old again with a precious baby sister in his hands.

Like the Bellamy that saved his friends, like the same man that loves Clarke Griffin. 

Clarke doesn’t know what to do next, but the man in front of her is crumbling and she’s the cause. She walks towards him to engulf him in a hug that they’ll cherish forever. His arms wrap tightly around her waist, the short sobs escaping his lips and into the crook of her neck that smells like Earth and he can’t stop himself. 

Her own arms wrap around his neck and her fingers play with the soft curls at the nape of his neck, it comforts her too. 

“It’s gonna be okay, we’re gonna save everyone and get the peace you want back, she’s _not_ dead Bellamy.” She assures him, feeling the goosebumps run up her arms and into her veins as his hands squeeze the place above her hips and pulls himself closer.  

With his head an inch away from her face, he decides to test the waters. 

“I thought you died six years ago and I hated myself for it.” He whispers, and it sets him on fire because she turns to ice as his heart begins to open. 

He could feel Clarke’s chest rise and fall against the tips of his fingers, he’s so close and he’s so vulnerable. 

“I’m not dead, not then and not now because of what you did.” She feels the urge to smile up up at him. 

“Do you understand what I did? Do you understand how much you mean to me now?”  

It’s his head talking, and his heart shouting from the rooftops. 

Clarke nods slowly, her fingers lightly tapping on his arms to distract herself from the obvious point he was trying to make. That’s all she’ll ever be, someone important and not someone to love. He already has that. 

“I’m still trying to wrap my head around you sacrificing your sister for me, it’s been so long since we’ve worked together I thought a lot more things would be different....” She starts to say and she feels his mouth on her neck in a platonic matter of just a formation of a smile she’s certain is beautiful. 

She’s so shooken up, that she moves away and stands alone. She’s so emotional, alone for so long that it hurts to be shown affection by someone she’s waited for. 

“I-I have to go find Madi, I’m sorry” 

It happens so fast, Bellamy stood in shock until Clarke walks faster out of the room like he’s done something wrong. 

“Clarke!” He runs after her, if they were gonna put personal issues aside....it would be fine with him as long as they stick together. Wonkru still doesn’t know their leader is down, and his emotions are at an all time high to be rattled. 

“Go get Monty and Harper, I’ll get Madi. Just leave me alone, okay?” She yells over her shoulder, careless to anyone else hearing them as she starts to walk down the narrow halls of the bunker. 

Bellamy grabs her arm when he’s in closer range, and pulls her to him. 

“Or you could tell me what’s wrong and what changed so damn fast in that cell?” 

She looks up at him, and his eyes widen when he sees there was tears in her eyes that were threatening to spill right in that moment. 

“Clarke,” he pauses to just stare. “What did I do?” 

His words seemed to echo in the large hallway, a few wonkru members walk in the quarters confused and suspicious. 

They don’t stop the intimacy of the moment, eyes blaring into eachother so intensely that Clarke looks down at the ground. 

“It’s just that I’m a fool, and fools don’t realize when to step away and accept their reality” She’s softspoken, angry with herself that she still feels this way. 

Eden gets Bellamy one step closer to saving Echo, and she hates it. She hates all of it, and she needs to live with it.

Bellamy’s hand travels down her arm and interlocks their fingers, and she almost breaks down. 

“What’s that supposed to mean? We have a war to stop, and now you want to run away?” He questions, feeling the hurt run him over. 

“It means that I _can’t_ be in love with you Bellamy, God...you sacrifice so much for me that it makes this all so much harder.” Clarke mumbles her last few words, finally ridding herself of the grip on her body. 

Bellamy stands there, locked on what she does next, anything and everything he needs to see. 

“What’s exactly hard about all of this? Was my sacrifice not enough to make you come back in my life? Life with our friends? Peace!?” His heart is pounding so loud, he could feel it ringing in his ears. How could she? After everything. 

After everything he feels? After what he did to Octavia, he won’t allow it. He wants to fix them terribly. 

“Well I’m sorry, but _you_ have a girlfriend who you sent to Eden to protect her from Octavia!” She raises her voice, definitely not aware of people around them. 

“I have _you_ who I knocked my sister out for to protect! What the hell is going on with you?” Bellamy questions, oblivious to anything else she wants to say. 

“You don’t love me, that’s whats so hard about all of this. All I’ll ever be is someone you care about, not someone you’d actually be with because our timing is always horrible. I don’t want that, and feeling your lips on my neck earlier just made me go insane.” Clarke explains, glancing at everything she sees expect Bellamy. 

“I don’t love you?” He asks, like she knows the answer already which she should. He thinks back to Octavia saying something too obvious, but so hidden in his entire being. _Here we go again, pleading for the life of a traitor you love._

”Clarke, I didn’t mean to hurt you and don’t mean to, but of course I-“

She cuts him off with a nod, feeling a few flutters of hope in her chest but equally just as disappointing. 

“The plan is done, we’re going to Eden but first we need the others. Like I said before, go get our friends” Clarke rushes to change the topic, her head and heart so open to attack. 

”Madi?” Bellamy swallows his emotion too, their pace is running too fast for him to catch up. 

“I’ll get her, just meet back here in a few minutes, okay?” Clarke tries to be serious but one look at his sad face, and she turns around to console herself. 

He gives her a quick nod, before turning around to do the same and start walking. 

Clarke doesn’t look back, eyes burning with tears and she’s fighting every urge to accept the fact that Bellamy loves her back and can’t do a single thing about it. 

Eden, that’s where she’s headed. She’s going back home, alone like how it all started. She couldn’t even accept that Bellamy cherished her so much, and that thought alone crushed her. 

Clarke wipes her tears quickly with the back of her sleeve covered hand, turning a corner in a place she would define as Hell and life changing.   


End file.
